


still am

by Anonymous



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Disassociation, Fucked Up, Numbness, Self-Hatred, lapslock, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29187720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: i’m laying in the bathtub, clothes on and no water.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3
Collections: Anonymous





	still am

**Author's Note:**

> vent fic, using laps lock through the whole fic

i’m laying in the bathtub, clothes on and no water. the metal should feel uncomfortable against my body, but i can’t feel anything anymore. i want to become one with the floor, walls, ceiling, anything that isn’t me just so this endless feeling of nothing will go away. the light above me is slightly flickering, making the blank surfaces blink white every now and then, going back to the dirty white colour when it goes out. someone should clean this bathroom, but it will certainly not be me, because i don’t know if i’m ever going to get out of the tub, or if i’m just going to slowly rot away in here. that would be nice. then this emptiness would disappear at least. 

there is a song on loop on my mind, but it means nothing, just repeating of words, empty words. i think i would probably like the lyrics if i could feel something, anything, but now it’s just a melody which should probably feel depressing, but it feels just like me; nothing. 

i almost died yesterday, but i didn’t. i can’t do that to the weasleys’ or hermoine, or for sirius and snape who literally died for my sake, me dying on purpose would be such a disrespect to them, throwing away their deaths, as if their lives were disposables, nothing to care about. sometimes that doesn’t seem to matter thought. like now. i wish i’d brought something in here, but every pill and knife, rope and wand, are in the next room over. shame i failed last time, then this would never have even taken place. i wish i’d succeeded with it before sirius died, so he could’ve at least have been able to experience some more years in life, he clearly enjoyed it way more than empty me does now.

i should probably sleep now, lest i do something deemed bad, but sleep seems like too much work. is this the coda of my life? maybe, we’ll see where i am tomorrow, if i even still am then.


End file.
